God's Pursuit of Me
To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love. - A.W. Tozer
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reminded. again.
Some days I feel as if I am just about two steps away from some sort of mental breakdown. (Oh, and some days I kind of exaggerate.) I’m not exactly sure which is more true today though – the breakdown or the exaggeration. Our green car, a gem of a vehicle made in the memorable year 1993 and featuring both a dented side door and bullet hole stickers placed on said damaged door by my husband, is currently in the shop. And has been for over a week now. Which makes us a one car family with three drivers needing to be at distinctly separate locations at least three days…
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Found!
We’ve spent hours reading through the rental sections on craigslist and in our local newspaper. We’ve driven down back roads and side roads searching for those little red “for rent” signs. We’ve followed leads and suggestions and compared rental rates and considered mountain homes that were an hour’s drive because the rent was reasonable. Since we began looking for our Next Home we have been praying with the kids about where we would live and encouraging them to pray for that special house out there for our family. Each kid has expressed certain desires for specific features. Those desires have ranged from the practical to the absurd. (You know, wish…
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mockingbird
If you call my phone (extra points if you remember his name) then you will hear my handy-dandy ring back tone. (Although now Verizon has gone all self-promoting and says something silly like “Please enjoy this Verizon ring back tone.” Makes me want to drop the tone so no one has to hear that commercial.) And that ring back tone is Derek Webb’s song “Mockingbird”. Recently, after hearing the song on my phone, my friend Beth said that whenever she hears the song, she thinks – “But you don’t sound like a mockingbird.” And maybe she was talking about my singing – that’s possible. But I picked the song because…
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focus
Oh, the struggle. It never seems to cease. Those demons from the past. The ones that pop up unexpectedly at perfectly innocuous moments. Dragons and deserts and memory of famine. It hurts. And I wonder who to trust and what is truth and where my heart is safe. And when I am reminded of all the bad, I find myself asking – does it weigh more than the good? And I have to push repeat on the mantra that is being drowned out by the demons marching to their own beat. I don’t know how to redeem the past. (Although I’m struggling toward that ideal every day.) I don’t know…
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is it not this?
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? (James 4:1) Dude! (I need a new phrase. How outdated and non-adult-female is that one? Any suggestions? What are all the cool thirty-somethings saying these days as way of an exclamation?) Well. Until I (and by that, I mean you) come up with something better . . . Dude! This verse in James is sort of wrecking some comfortable places in my life right now. At church Peter has been preaching through James and that book is so full of conviction and revelation right now for me. I don’t…
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so here it is.
The future rarely looks like the past. And change is the only constant. In some ways it seems as if our family has been rising and falling with the ebb and the flow of change for the last decade. Yes. Decade. Adoption. Vocational changes. Pastoring at a start-up church. Birth of baby. Quit teaching high school. Bi-vocational ministry. Adoption. Parents move far and far away. Birth of baby. Leave church and pastoring job. Mother passes away. Grieving. Birth of baby. New job. Relocation to another state. Kevin’s mom passes away. Marital crisis. Birth of baby. Recovery. Healing. It makes me weary just to type that insufficient collection that says…
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know.
Sometimes I struggle with how much to share on this little space. And I’ve been pretty distracted the last few weeks. Some rather large changes are knocking at our door. (The theoretical door, mind you – not the literal brown metal one that allows us entrance to our home. That door, however, was broken last week. Just broken. So broken that we couldn’t go in or out. It’s fixed now, however, in case you’re planning a visit.) I’m excited to share some of those impending changes but most of that sharing is sitting on a shelf for a little longer. This is a public blog, after all, not a diary.…
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on our own path.
Last night our friends Mandy and Jody brought some of their friends over to our house for dinner. Our six plus their one plus their five equalled twelve kids. Fortunately they didn’t decide to overthrow us – despite their larger numbers. This family and their lovely little blonde offspring are on a 50 State Challenge. They are traveling across the country on a grand adventure for three months – taking on wild family adventures in each state. I mean – their six-year-old kayaks by herself. And has been for years! Years! Shoot – the only thing my six-year-old has been doing for years is sucking his own thumb. It was…
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how I would like to appear.
I’m always seeing other moms out with their kids as my kids and I are running errands, grocery shopping and just living life. And some of these moms seem just plain miserable. Which makes me wonder, how many times do I appear the same way? What do I look like when someone catches that ten second glimpse of my life and sees me with my children? What do they see? Not that I’m trying to impress people or put up a good front. Goodness knows, I don’t have the energy for faking it. I just wonder if the sum of my moments with my children is more positive or more…
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a prayer. sort of.
“I think I just love God more than anyone else in the world.” That’s what Cece said my seven-year-old daughter told her one night in their cabins at camp this week. And after the campfire, Cece said London also shared some more thoughts as they discussed the week of camp and the teachings they had heard. “You know, if I was God, I wouldn’t want to save a sinner like me,” London told her. And part of me feels my heart swell to near-implosion at the tender image of my little one thinking such deep and pure God thoughts. And part of me reels in terror at the thought of…
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the beauty of the years.
Last week on a date night we tried baked brie. It was incredible. The next day I told my friend Mandy about how delicious it was. She said, “You know that you can make that at home?” No. I did not know that I could make that at home. I mean, I guess I knew. Sort of. Can’t you make anything at home? In theory – right? So I bought the brie. I bought the pastry shell thing. I baked it at home. It was delicious. I was giddy from making my $9 appetizer for only $5.00 at home. That was cool. Last night was our weekly Wednesday Gathering. I…
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follow.
I had not even been in the car for ten minutes. The kids and I were traveling a back road with our destination being one of Riley’s soccer games. The directions to the game were already typed into the phone. The phone was resting within arm’s reach on my knee. I noticed, however, that my friends Greg and Leanne were in their car behind mine. Their destination was the same because their daughter plays on the same team. I dialed Leanne’s number and said, “Will you guys pass me so I can just drive where you are driving? I mean, I have the directions in my hand, but I don’t…
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to next week. may it be fuller. and may I be as well.
This week I have fallen asleep on the sofa twice. That seldom happens to me. I prefer my bed. And I’ve overslept basically every morning this entire week. Except Tuesday. (But we had friends over, so my motivation was a bit stronger.) We’ve done our school work. Mostly. But I haven’t folded a single bit of laundry. I have been dressing children from the rumpled tower of clean clothes by the dryer. I have re-washed the same load in the washer four times because I keep forgetting about day after day. And I’ve been wondering why I am dragging myself around so much this week. As far as weeks go,…
