God's Pursuit of Me
To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love. - A.W. Tozer
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words.
There are so many words I need to say. And I can’t say. Or words I want to say. But I shouldn’t say. It’s a jumble up here in my brain most all of the time. My days just don’t look like they used to. (I should win a prize for making understatements.) My heart cries out every day – “How long O Lord – how long?” How long will you listen to my young children repeat the same prayers, word for word, night after night? It has been vital to me during this season of suffering to tell myself truths. To say them out loud. Not to wait until I believe…
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strangers.
It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. ― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl When you read about Anne Frank’s life, you kind of have to look at your own a little differently. (You know our Otto is named after Anne Frank’s father. A survivor. A man who endured.) The last two months have brought me to my knees and spun our family into a completely different direction. The children and I have been learning precisely and…
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and here we go together ….
You guys. What sweet and lovely and painful and true and empathetic responses I received to yesterday’s post. They were all such kind reminders of why I even started this blog in the first place. Of why I read good literature. Of why stories are ever even written. That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not alone and isolated from anyone. You belong. – F. Scott Fitzgerald We are all fellow pilgrims and we really do need one another. Kevin’s favorite band (The Decemberists — in case you’ve forgotten the concert or the novel) has a new album…
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and the list of thanks is longer than the list of disappointments
It was a cold, rainy weekend. Just pretty much gross. One of my favorite pottery plates fell from the dishwasher as my young assistants were unloading the silverware tray. It shattered. This weekend at the exact moment when the cashier at Trader Joe’s said, “That will be $179” I became painfully and immediately aware of the fact that my wallet was in my blue bag and I was carrying my green one. Kevin and I had physicals recently for life insurance policies and when I saw my weight I let myself think it mattered so much more than it does. For days (no, honestly – for weeks) I’ve been dragging around a…
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end of story.
Kevin and I had the opportunity to listen to Dr. Ed Welch speak at a conference recently. Among the topics were mental illnesses and brain disorders and depression. Gray Matters was the title of the weekend conference, which I found a fitting name. There was an overflow of information and plenty to wade through for many a day. (Which we have been doing in big and small ways.) I was particularly struck by the manner in which Dr. Welch shared anecdotes. He’s been in counseling for nearly as many years as I have been alive so his real-life examples are vast. And in every story he shared he would stop talking…
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make my heart believe
Singing with hundreds of others lined up in red-seated rows on an early Sunday morning. A song I’ve certainly heard before but I’ve never listened like this. In all my sorrows Jesus is better. Make my heart believe. And I felt like it was the gospel for me in three lines of music. In all my victories Jesus is better. Make my heart believe. There’s the knowledge – the truth. Jesus is better. And then there’s the rub. The struggle. Make my heart believe. I can know something but I need reminding. I can believe a truth even while I’m questioning it. I don’t know how this is possible. I…
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Choose Nothing
It’s 2 o’clock on a Saturday. The weather is precisely perfect. A brown dog lies next to my feet. I’m sitting on the porch. Our house is silently astir with quiet activity. Two big kids have succumbed to the call of the woods and I love that they are escaping together. I think they will emerge when they are hungry enough. There’s a creator kid with a cardboard box and a bevy of markers. She has an idea and the gift of time. Today is good. I don’t have to be anywhere or do anything. If it’s been too long since this has been true of you – you might…
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Bedtime Questions
The blanket was pulled up over both of our heads. My seven year old and I stared at one another in the nearly dark in the makeshift privacy of her battered hand-me-down quilt. “Does Satan make you do the bad things Mommy?” This child. Where does her miniature mind travel? “Does he make you bad?” Bedtime theology. The little questions that are the big questions. I let my forehead bump against hers. “Oh Willow. We choose bad. God lets us choose. You know how you can love Jesus but still tell a lie?” “Yes,” she nods her golden head. “It’s like that. God says you can pick – you can…
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motherhood: impossible questions
Bedtime was half an hour ago. I’m standing in the kitchen surveying the day’s damage in stacked plates and dirty glasses. Popcorn kernels on the floor and shoes that should be in their proper homes. Little footsteps across the floor and a small hand on my arm. “Mommy, I’m just scared.” I squat down. Red cheeks. Wet tears. I hug this seven-year-old darling with the blue eyes and the freckles and I ask, “Why? Why are you scared?” “I just don’t know when I’ll die. I don’t know when you’ll die. Will you be old? Will I die in pain?” My heart bends and my brow wrinkles and I cannot…
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four important words.
The other night at dinner Kevin said to the kids, “Hey guys. I want to teach you four incredibly important words.” I honestly cannot recall if we were chatting about passing the salt correctly or climbing trees or using inside voices. I just know he said he had four important words he wanted them to learn. And so we all listened. Maybe some of the kids thought it would be a joke. Kevin’s kind of a jokester. They know this about him. But he wasn’t really wearing his joke-y-dad face. He was more like wearing his serious-dad face. He stared at the watching eyes of his little people around the…
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let’s talk about sex
It is an absolutely unpopular idea. Even amongst Christians. And I cannot, for the life of me, figure out exactly why. We reward all kinds of nonsensical, foolish, unworthy things in our culture. But we’re quiet on this front. There’s a serious lack of praise for two people who choose to say no to sex outside of the bonds of marriage and to say yes to purity. It’s an out of fashion idea. We believe it’s an impractical request. A holy grail. Mission impossible. Christian parents say to their children, “Listen. You should wait to have sex until you get married. But I know that’s really hard. So. Let me tell you about…
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to wear compassion as a cloak.
My lovely friend sent this scripture passage to me recently. I have needed these words so frequently. 12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. – Colossians 3:12-14 Another friend pointed out how kind it is of God to allow us to put on traits like compassion and kindness and meekness and patience. Because He knows those characteristics are not natural to people like me. I need help to put on a…
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Morning Prayer
A lot of Most of my good ideas come from watching my friends as they parent or homeschool their own children. (Which is why I am continually grateful for godly women in my life. Continually grateful.) Several of my buddies have a little basket or a magnet stuck to their fridge with pictures of people they know and care about. It’s their prayer list. They’ll have the kids help pray for that person throughout the day and a new face is chosen each morning. I’d never tried anything like that before. And in the history of Keigley, we haven’t always had predictable mornings with standard routines. But as our children…
