matters of the heart
Well.
We are in a new phase of parenting.
Smack in the middle.
Our oldest daughter is – gasp – dating a boy.
Now, aside from the feeling of impossibility of that much time being allowed to pass, there’s some other issues this rite of passage is stirring up in Kevin and I.
And I can just go ahead and give this disclaimer in writing right now,
although I’d assume that every one of you already knows this.
We’re pretty much not perfect parents.
We are probably making parenting mistakes even as I type this post.
And we will make more.
Loads more, I imagine, if the Lord is gracious enough to let us continue parenting.
Shoot, writing about your teenage daughter dating is probably a mistake.
This age of dating or courtship or whatever fad title it has at the moment, is tough.
And I am just going to talk about one particular aspect of its toughness.
I mean, to be completely honest,
I always sort of secretly dreamed that I would have daughters that would look at high school dating and say (possibly with a British accent), “No. That’s silly. What’s the point? I can’t marry that smelly boy now, so why bother to date him?”
(I want my sons to say the same thing too, only about girls, but still with the same British accent.)
That’s what I wished.
It’s not what I have, of course.
(And, to be fair, it wasn’t who I was.)
I have a friend who has a daughter like that. (Actually, I have several friends who do. So I know it’s possible.)
And that friend wisely reminded me that all I was doing was trading one set of issues for another.
I know, I know.
But like anything – those issues look easier.
And it’s a weird balance.
Balancing what we thought we would do with what we must do with what we want to do with what we have to do.
All those things.
And another bit of knowledge we were offered by a friend of a friend who had raised multiple children safely into adulthood.
He said, and I paraphrase wildly, “I never allowed myself to get very attached to any of the boys my daughter dated. I told them all, I have a special place in my heart for the one boy my daughter chooses as her husband and I will not give my heart to anyone until then.”
And we’ve held on to that advice, as we heard it when Riley was just a wee southern gal.
And we basically accepted it as truth.
The guy was a trusted smart fella.
He still is.
And maybe he’s right.
For him.
But I’ve been wondering if maybe he’s wrong.
For us.
What does that mean exactly?
I have only a limited amount of love and you don’t get it?
Is that Corinthians love?
I need to protect my heart because you might not be around at the end of senior year?
So that’s his fault and we should withhold kindness from him?
I guess there’s a difference of course between kindness and affection.
I don’t know.
It’s all names.
And I think that’s the REAL reason I had hoped for daughters who didn’t pursue romantic relationships.
To avoid the big mess.
Because I like easy.
And complicated is not easy.
I’d love for you to weigh in on this.
Feel free to weigh in even if your daughter is a toddler and all your have are theories – you know I am attached to an ideal more often than not.
And please, please, weigh in if you are a parent who is in the trenches.
Burdened and suffering along with the rest of us.
And for goodness sake, if you are a parent who has made it to the other side, can you, for the love, allow us to learn from your mistakes and your successes?
Because we know hindsight is absolutely perfect vision!
9 Comments
Meaghan
Our daughter is 15 months old so I don't have any advice yet! We're kind of hoping for her to wait for a good, long time before ever dating 🙂
However, I did want to say that my husband and I were 14 and 15 when our relationship first started. There were several starts and stops in between, but it did end up in marriage! I like to encourage people not to completely discredit a relationship just because of age. Obviously our story isn't how it normally happens but I think it shows that it can. I appreciate how my now inlaws treated me even before I was officially part of the family.
LaceyKeigley
Hey – 15 months old – never too early to begin.
(Actually – great idea to have plans for your methods now – and then to be flexible as the opportunities arise)
Thank you for sharing your side too – I do know some couples that actually make it from high school to marriage.
Chelsea
I've been thinking about this. You know that this is just theoretical for me, based on my parents choices and my own opinions. :o)
I think it is important to build a relationship with your children's close friends- especially boyfriends/girlfriends. I think developing a relationship where there can be mutual respect, mutual trust, and therefore necessary accountability is healthy. I don't think you need to get all "I can't wait til you become my son-in-law because you are going to make such cute babies together!". That would seem to cross the line of healthy far to the other side. (That probably made you shiver and cringe. Sorry.) But the boyfriend/girlfriend should be brought into the family enough for open conversations, realistic expectations, and to clearly see their character.
I think my brother and sister-in-law did this best. By the time they were dating, we had some family traditions established, and they both participated whole-heartedly. Even if it was Christmas baking with the girls, while the guys went shooting, she was there with us, participating without him, and it was a great opportunity to get to know her. So we built relationship that wasn't based on their togetherness. We liked to joke that if they split, we were going to keep her instead of him. By the time they did get married, she had a healthy relationship with all of us, too, and it was fun!
I realize that developing this sort of relationship may set you up for heartache if they split. That stinks, but the truth is that Riley will feel it anyway, and it will be a comfort for her to know that you guys are genuinely sad too, or are grieving alongside her. I just don't see how guarding your hearts, or saving your hearts for her spouse would benefit her or her relationships now. A friend of ours is dating a girl right now and they are talking about marriage (and at a point where they could act on that) but her dad is along the same line of thinking that you were talking about. So our friend continually talks about how he wants to build relationship with the parents but they won't have it because they are just dating. He wants to know the family he is marrying into ahead of time, and wants to have enough relationship with the dad that he is confident when he asks for the daughter's hand, the dad will say yes. It's not happening, and I think that's silly.
I am not looking forward to being there. Oh goodness, Tristan says right now that he plans to never get married and we are encouraging that, while Sullivan tries to marry someone new every day.
LaceyKeigley
Thank you for your comment – it's really such good advice.
We have not really been withholding our affection, I don't think, but it did seem like such opposite advice.
I too think we can certainly judge character better through real-life interactions with our family and we have really been trying to emphasize that more.
And that is good advice too, concerning Riley's heart. I had not imagined that perspective before.
So grateful to be able to talk about these ideas in community and to be able to hear different viewpoints.
Thanks!
Melissa
You should call my mom about this one. My sister and I were both boy crazy starting at like age twelve. I'm not a parent (yet) but I can share my own feelings on how my mom dealt with us dating, the good and the bad.
First, the good. My mom never let on that she thought our boyfriends were scumbags until after we broke up. She wasn't dumb; she knew it would only make us more attached to the turds. I mean, boys. Second, she would always stay up late with me and let me cry on her shoulder when I got my heart broken. She knew how delicate adolescent girls' self esteems can be so she assured me that whatever made the boys break up with me was most likely the boys' issue and had very little to do with me in reality. Same with when they cheated on me. She said it was because they weren't good enough, not the other way around.
Now, the bad: my mom never told us not to abuse our power as women. She never told us not to tease or play games or kiss boys with girlfriends. Looking back, I wish she had told us to treat everyone with respect and put ourselves in the other person's position before acting or speaking. Instead, she figured as long as we weren't getting hurt, we were fine and that wasn't true. Also, while my mom was always very open about our periods and boobs and stuff, one time when I was nine or ten I asked my mom out of innocent curiosity if, during sex, the penis goes the same place as a tampon does, and SHE SAID NO! So please answer honestly any questions your daughter asks. It won't make her promiscuous. And she doesn't have an older sister from whom she can get the real answers.
Good luck to you. I'm sure you and your husband have given her a good example of a healthy relationship and she will seek the same for herself.
LaceyKeigley
wow – both the good and the bad. Thank you!
I certainly try to answer honestly too – because I want my kids to come to me for truth and I want them to trust that I will answer their questions. I do struggle with the cry on your shoulder part because I have a hard time not giving advice along the way – before it ever gets to that.
Marie from Germany
@Melissa: great comment!! 🙂
@Lacey: especially the shoulder crying part is one of the most important – well, it was to me. knowing that my mom still is there for me – even today (now i am 26!) – makes one feel safe and broken hearts heal easier…
Sarah
I don't think that I am an expert in this matter because both my children, very thankfully, didn't date in high school, but I really think that the parents of kids who do date are supposed to love the friend of their child. Put yourself in your child's position and think about how it would feel if their friend wasn't freely accepted into the family. Not to mention, if the friends' parents felt that their love was 'reserved' only for that special one, how would that be treating YOUR daughter…I wouldn't like that at all. (Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them…sound familiar?? :)) And, Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.–Romans 13:8)
Jesus loved without restraint –with reckless abandonment; isn't that what we should be doing?
Besides all this, knowing you and your family and how you have taken in the many, many staffers, I'm not sure you could withhold your love :).
LaceyKeigley
I agree with all you said – and you said it all so wonderfully.
Thank you.
How can we love with restraint? That's just not Biblical – is it?