Looking Ahead.

Somewhere around the beginning of each new year I haul my children to some place pretty and force them to talk about last year and next year.

And if they aren’t chatty, I force them to listen to my monologue. Whatever.

This year it was rainy and drab and we didn’t explore a mountain view as we usually do.

We headed to a pretty little coffee shop with a wide open space and a light and airy feel. This year I did more than plan a talking session. I printed what is called a Dream Guide from Jennie Allen’s website. It’s a helpful tool to enable you to look back and highlight some growth and accomplishments in the past year and to gain clarity and then to look forward to a new year to plan a few hopes and goals and to offer guidance. It’s simple and straight forward. And it’s free. (You can find one right here.)

It can help you to set goals, reminders – such as to get an eye test and find some frames from Eyeglasses.com or do other things you may have been putting off – and things that you might not feel are possible but would like to give a go anyway!

One of the headings on which to focus was relationships. And some of those subtopics included your spouse and your kids.

Which started a side conversation at our table. First, about what the kids should do with that section. (I told them to scratch out spouse and kids and to write in siblings. Goodness knows, we could all use a little direction and focus and grace in that category.) Then we talked about what I would be writing in that section. Cue the jokes a few of them like to make about remarriage if an unusually wealthy man is involved. (Who are these kids anyway?) But it did send my mind down a path. Thinking about relationships. Future potential ones.

About a year ago I wrote this post about dating.

And then I wrote one about Bumble.

And then this one about how I won’t be using the Bumble app.

This month marks the fifth anniversary of the end of my marriage. Five years.

It’s a blink and it’s a really long time.

I don’t know what my future holds.

I couldn’t even honestly tell you that I know what I want my future to hold.

But I have decided this.

If there are any more romantic relationships to be had in this life for me, then they will only exist if a man accepts, values and likes my exact quirks, my exact body type and my exact style.

This is what I look like. Give or take a few pounds each year in different seasons, this is the body I have. My breasts are small and my hips are not. My face is wrinkled and so is my stomach. I’ve birthed four humans and this is what that looks like.

I talk too much when I’m meeting someone new and I like to laugh at my own jokes. (And I like you to laugh at them too.) My hands look older than the rest of me and earrings are my favorite accessory. I will wear them when they are unnecessary or inadvisable, such as hiking, fly fishing and horseback riding.

I’ve spent too many years trying to fit a mold, trying to be what I thought another person might find attractive or appealing.

I’m forty-six years old and I know who I am. (Mostly. I still have some growth ahead of me, I hope.)

My kids matter more than my job and I’m going to tell you my opinion and I think sarcasm is hilarious and that it fits most any situation, especially the uncomfortable ones.

I like to laugh. I hate to pump gas. I don’t care about televised sports and I really don’t like exercising. I worry about what I shouldn’t and downplay what likely matters more.

I forget to file paperwork and I don’t mind leaving parties early. Small talk stinks and I have no problem asking people personal questions.

I want to talk about literature and stories and ideas. I don’t brush my hair and I like pedicures and having my back scratched and sleeping in later than an adult should.

I’ve decided that it’s okay to know you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. And it’s okay to like yourself just like you are and to always be a work in progress too. At the same time.

So even after completing my Dream Guide for 2020, I’m not any closer to being able to predict what’s coming next – this year or the next five. Relationally or in any other capacity.

But I know a little better who I am and that’s progress.

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