the next new normal
Night has become All Tricky again.
(It’s ever-shifting, this Grieving. The Transitioning. The One Day You Are Surprised By What You Thought Was Already Conquered.)
In most ways, it’s helpful that it’s been a gradual process,
with This and That appearing Here and There.
I couldn’t have carried all the weight at one time.
Piece by piece was suffocating enough.
The quiet after midnight.
The knowing I should be asleep but the unable to will it to happen.
I’m always just wanting to find something to do until I am so tired that I just crash into bed.
The Lying Still Alone In The Dark is not my favorite pastime.
So I read until I can read no longer.
I scroll the stupid wasteland of social media until I dislike myself for not having the self control to put the phone down earlier.
I don’t know the solution.
I’m not tired at midnight.
I’m exhausted at 7 am.
It’s not really a sadness I am trying to outrun. I’ve got stacks upon stacks of Stuff To Do and Articles To Write and Novels To Read and Things That Require My Attention.
It’s something else, I guess. But since I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, it has really not been addressed or conquered – or whatever word choice I need to make here.
I just know night time has once again become odd time.
Restless. Sort of the sense of running from something and this never-ceasing feeling of Falling Behind with a steady dose of Can’t Keep Up.
Maybe it’s just motherhood and home education and freelance writing and no one at night to remind my weary head that these feelings are all pretty normal for a person spinning so many plates.
Or maybe not.
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3 Comments
Colleen McGarry
Sometimes for me I run from the holes left in myself… the aching hollows that want filling, but not with the stuff of life, but with what has been lost. So much of what you wrote resonates in my own empty places, places that I still sometimes run from or distract myself from. I don’t know what it is for you, but thanks for sharing, for putting the doubts into words. Your lament is beautiful.
Lana
Not at all discounting what you are working through but it could be the normal female aging thing where we all just stop sleeping well. I went for about 8 years starting at your age sleeping only 2-4 hours each night and it is horrible. I do sleep most nights now from correcting my hormones and getting other health issues worked through but even now I have nights that I just do not sleep and I hate it. I try to just be quiet and still so that I do not disturb anyone else and that is the hardest. It does seem to help with going to sleep to have screen free time before bed. Hugs. I will pray for you.
Sara
Every single person I know who has lived great Hard struggles with the bedtime issue.
That isn’t overly helpful but at least you’re not alone?!?
I am sorry that is where you find yourself again. Know that I will pray for joy-filled evenings and peaceful sleep.