pressure.

I’ve felt this inordinate amount of pressure for the past month or however long stay at home orders have been in place and this strange new world has dawned.

I love productivity. I love staying home.

So this ought to be like my dream right?

And in some ways, it kind of is. The world is shut down. My family has to be home. There is literally nowhere to go. Forced Family Fun non stop and all that. Right?

Except, of course, it doesn’t feel that way.

Some new message is constantly popping up – Don’t waste your quarantine. Learn something new. If you don’t make use of the this time it was never a time problem, just a discipline problem.

And if these messages weren’t popping up on my screens they were manifesting themselves in my heart and in my own brain. Don’t waste this. Treasure this. Value this.

ENOUGH ALREADY.

I get it.

Except. It just isn’t that easy.

It’s like being in a pressure cooker. It’s multiplied and there are kids who feel trapped and afraid and kids who have deep deep fears of disaster and harm and the news is constant even if my kids don’t have social media accounts or unlimited access to the world at large. It is seeping into our home under the crack in the door and through the windows and it’s like some sort of quiet invisible gas that we are all breathing.

And guess what everybody?

I’m going to waste some of this time.

I’m going to sleep too late and I’m going to wish I hadn’t. I’m going to feel guilty some days for how much screen time I let my kids watch. I’m going to laugh and I’m going to cry. I’m going to mourn cancelled trips – like that fabulous adventure to New England with my students that I’ve been planning since last fall.

I’m going to look at my hair and wonder how on earth it could grow so fast that I have INCHES of dark color at my roots.

I’m going to be lazy and unmotivated some days and I am going to hibernate when I should be outside and I’m going to miss opportunities and that is just how it is going to be some of this time.

And I’m going to be okay with that.

It won’t be necessarily indicative of my life or my future or my proper usage of time.

It’s an unprecedented experience. And I will deal with as I have dealt with many such unprecedented incidents in my life. Some days well. Some days less then.

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