notes on dating

A Disclaimer:  It’s a straight up comedy of errors that my life would even have me at a point where such a post could be written by me.  I am 45 years old.  The majority of my dating experiences occurred in the early 1990s and half of that was monitored by my conservative parents.

Back then, my plan for dating was simple.  (If you’d even classify it as a plan.) I was looking for a fun adventure, a buddy or I was looking for a boyfriend that would lead to a marriage that would lead to a family that would lead to forever.  

In high school I had three boyfriends.  Sort of.  (One was more like a highly developed crush than a full on boyfriend.)  I could list them but that seems weird.  They were nice young men, two of them anyway, well approved by my family (except that one).  

In college I think my number of boyfriends was roughly the same as in high school.  I was engaged to one boy and then dumped.  I thought I might drop out of college to chase adventure in the west with one boy until my dad intervened and said no way.  And I married the last boy.

You can see therefore, perhaps, why I am unqualified to write anything about dating.

But when has that ever stopped anyone? (Particularly me?)

The Forever Married plan did not work out as predicted.

So here I am.

45.  With thoughts about dating.

Now don’t think just because I am approaching this topic, talking about it, writing about it, dabbling with a big toe into it, that I have anything settled or permanently figured out in my mind.  I still wrestle with the ideas of divorce and remarriage.  Frankly, not all that much has changed in my heart since I wrote that post.

Certainly dating has changed in the many decades since I approached it.

There were no cell phones in my dating days.  No Facebook.  No social media at all.  No online dating sites.  No swipe right or swipe left or profiles from which to choose.

I guess you had to rely on location, friends and blind luck.

 And certainly I also have changed.

Then – a single girl with freedom of choice and freedom of time.  Now – a once-married mother of six with a full schedule and a heart that carries the weight of the highs and the lows that come with parenting and living in the adult world.

With wildly mixed emotions, I find myself in a position where I am willing to say yes to a date. Yes to dinner. Yes to brunch. Yes to a hike or an event.  You know, the regular sort of yeses that would put me in a place to get to know someone, to hear his story, to share mine.  To see what happens or what does not happen.

Admittedly, my expectations are low at this stage of the game.  Not as in, I’ll accept whatever driftwood is floating down the river.  But as in, I’m not expecting a soul mate.  I’m not looking for a father figure to my kids.  I’m not listening for birds singing over our heads or expecting fireworks when our eyes meet.

That’s too much pressure.

I’m just talking about a regular old date.  If those even exist any longer.

I’m not entirely certain that they do.

We have this creepy ability to use the internet to search out all the mystery and the unknown before we even say yes to a casual lunch meeting.  (Not that I won’t google someone’s name.  You all know we will.)

But that sort of information dump makes this whole idea of getting to know someone even more challenging.

They begin to tell you a story and you’re like, “Yeah, I know that.  I saw it on your Facebook feed.”  (Except you don’t say that out loud – that’s odd.)

There’s got to be a better way – but what is it?

I had dinner with a friend recently.  (It was a girl – dinner with a female friend.  I suddenly feel the need to clarify that, given the topic matter at hand.)

And we talked about Bumble – the ap for dating.  Or, I guess, for whatevering really.

I don’t know anything about dating in this current culture.

This entire post reveals that.

I don’t know how to be a single mom and date.  I don’t know how to meet men.  Apparently, I don’t send off a needy vibe and I’ve been told that’s what some guys are looking for.  (I guess I don’t want those guys.)

Here are a few things I do know:

I’m not your One Night Stand.

I’m not your Bumble hook up and I am entirely disconnected from the jargon associated with such an action.

I’m not playing hard to get and I’m not going to tell you one thing and do another thing.

I’m not looking for a hero.

I like to laugh, so if you’re funny, that’s a step in the right direction.

Where are the regular humans?  The regular men who are normal and kind and polite and funny?  Where are those men?

Currently these are my cluttered and scattered thoughts.  About dating.

They aren’t deep and they’re not profound.

I’ve talked openly with my kids about this.  Because of several reasons:

1.   I want to be an open book because I want to raise kids who are an open book.  (That doesn’t mean I share everything with my children.  Obviously there are age appropriate conversations and details.)

2.  I don’t have a game face.  I don’t have the ability to play it cool.  If the kids ask where I am going or what I am doing, I will be telling them.  

3.  They don’t like surprises.  They don’t want to feel side swiped and I don’t want to be the adult who makes them feel that way.

4.  God has been gracious to allow our family to take a rather slow pace in dealing with the many hard things we have faced as a family over the past several years.  That pace has given us each space to accept new situations and changes as they come, without such a heavy feeling of whiplash.  I think this general idea of dating should be the same.  I mean, really, who wants to think of their mom dating, like, ever?

I’m certain I’ll revisit this topic in future writings and musings.

One, because it is likely to be ever evolving.  

Two, because it is likely to be amusing.

I mean, you guys know me.  I am an awkward person even in the best of circumstances.  Can you imagine the height of awkwardness I would be on a first date?

Now I would love to hear all the words from you guys – advice, funny stories, thoughts, places to meet men who love Jesus (kind of joking on that last one).

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