If you are breathing and you have even one singular human friend, then you have watched that friend suffer through something.  A disappointing conversation.  Job loss.  The death of a parent.  Drug abuse.  Rejection from a family member.  Physical injury.  Heartache.  Infertility.  Divorce.  Cancer.

It is an oppressively long list of sorrows that mar the human condition.

And we have all been on all sides of the list.  The victims.  The perpetrators.  The onlookers.

Until we’ve lived through all sides of sorrow, we don’t always know how to handle the pain and the suffering of the people we love.  Even when we have lived through all sides of sorrow, we often struggle with the words to say when the bottom drops out or the tsunami surges or the excrement strikes the fan.

Obviously there are counselors and professional helpers with degrees and initials behind their names who know more and you should seek their help (even before the bombs explode in your life) but there’s this one aspect of helping your friends through sad stuff that I have personally found to be most purposeful and most meaningful.

It is this:

Acknowledge.  Acknowledge.  Acknowledge.

Send the text.

Say the words.

You might think “Oh – I don’t want to bring it up to them again.  Maybe they’ve forgotten.”

They have not forgotten.

Don’t say the perfect words.

Who knows those?

Just say the words.

All you need to really say is “I’m sorry.  This sucks.”

Or something like that.

You know your friend.  Say something funny sometimes.  I have a friend who has a knack for texting me slightly offensive, always funny, responses to hard stuff.  They’re some of my favorite texts to receive.  Because they do make me laugh.

We all need permission to laugh at the hard every now and again.  We know it’s hard.  Everybody knows it’s hard.

But sometimes when you are in a pit you are convinced that you are the only person left alive who actually believes that the situation is hard. You think only you realize that the consequences are dire.  You feel like it’s only you that still thinks the story is at a really rotten spot.

So all you have to do is to acknowledge that for your friend.  To say — “I know what day it is.  I haven’t forgotten you.  You are on my mind.  I’m weeping with you.”

It’s saying the message all mankind longs to hear.

You exist.
I see you.
You matter.
You are not alone.
I’ve got your back.
It won’t always be this bad.

And then follow their cues.

Drop it when they drop it.

Pick it back up when they pick it up.

Be your regular and normal authentic self with your friend.

Don’t stop sharing your own junk and don’t belittle your own story by saying, “I know you are going through X, so my stuff seems small in comparison …..”

When you are in the middle of a mess, it’s kind of helpful to be reminded that you are not the only human being in the middle of mess.

No person really expects their friend to solve their problems.  It’s enough to know that your friend sees your problems and thinks that they are problems too.  That your friend says,

“I’m right here with you.
This problem, this situation, this sorrow –
it may not be going anywhere any time soon.
But then again,
neither am I.”

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