just a tad too raw for comfort
When the encouraging words aren’t there, sometimes I just type all the bad ones.
(and there are so many bad ones, you guys.)
At the end of the day, when I am sitting under my yellow blanket and staring at the screen, there are times that I just see a lot of empty.
And I write blog posts that will never ever see the light of day.
And maybe I talk to myself. (Just a little.)
There are days when I cry.
And there are days when I can’t even remember what I would be crying for.
Days of Numb and days of All The Feelings.
It’s all so much like the South Carolina winter weather.
Unpredictable. Shifting. Unexpected. But still routine in its variations.
The words that describe my marital status make me sick to my stomach. They leave a bitter and vile taste on my tongue.
And I can’t really explain how I got from There to Here.
This world is full of So Much Broken and all of that broken keeps trying to break me.
We are a messed up people.
Guilty of calling evil good and loving self above all else. Our needs must be met and we are wild to claim what we think belongs to us and to hurt whoever stands in our way.
My heart is so heavy.
And so weary with the weight of failure and miscommunication and deferred hope and rejection.
It’s a heartbreak hotel and I am certainly not the first overnight guest and I’d like to check out still intact but of course that isn’t the nature of this beast.
I fill my brain and overflow my heart with truth and the words of hope and encouragement but their rich flavor flows thin and watery to my mind and right on out though the tips of my fatigued fingers.
Oh God, I believe. Help my unbelief.
19 Comments
Susan Kuruvilla
I have followed your blog and have prayed for you and your precious kids!! Praying our Good good Father will breathe His peace and strength into your heart this weekend!!!
laceykeigley
Thank you –
Rachel
I wish I had magic words. God is close to the broken-hearted. Even when we can’t FEEL Him, His promises are true. He promises He is close and never leaves us. Cling to the truth, even when the feelings aren’t there. I, too, wish I were closer and could help in some tangible “real” way. But I will continue to pray…
laceykeigley
praying is really so tangible. it is.
thank you.
Nikkie
There is no way you could have described this current life than you have done here.
And yet, we both know and agree that this is not the end of our stories.
Thanks for showing up. Even when showing up is the last thing you want to do.
You spur me on to real-living.
laceykeigley
it’s been a sad sad honor to tread along here with you.
Sandy Scaringi
Praying for you Lacey!!
Kathy Griffith
Oh, Lacey. I wish I could HELP you in some tangible way. I wish I had the gift of beautiful words like some of your other friends. Know that these words, this post, reminds me to pray for you. All I know is that when we are hopeless and helpless, the Lord is near, and urges us to move forward. Keep walking. Keep trusting. Keep crying out.
I think of Psalm 77, which describes a HORRIBLE storm. The Psalmist notes, “Your path led through the sea, Your way through the mighty waters, though Your footprints were not seen.” God’s paths can be difficult, pain-filled, chaotic places where no sane person would want to be. But He is there, even when you don’t see His footprints.
laceykeigley
definitely where no sane person would want to be.
yes. i need to remind myself to go back to the psalms. it is so easy to forget and to lose my way.
d powell
🙁
Boyd
I wish I could point to a path around your pain, I can’t. I believe we have to wade through it to get to the other side. Your honesty about your feelings is part of that process. Your honesty also helps others, thank you! Please know we hurt with you (at least to the degree possible). I REALLY wish I had more.. I don’t, sorry.
laceykeigley
What you have and what you offer is truly so much — really.
Being seen and being cared for and prayed for — that’s real stuff. Thank you.
Hilary
I love you & I appreciate your brutal truthful words.
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
laceykeigley
I love and miss you Hilary!
Sara
Sweet sweet friend, I pray today.
For you and yours.
That there will something soon that thickens and seasons the watery broth with a sense of love and belonging and purpose. With strength and courage and fearlessness.
I wish…. (There were so many things I wanted to write here, but)
I will choose hope for you today.
Remember,
Jesus loves the little children of this messed up broken world
All the children
They are precious in His sight.
And you are His.
Lana
Well said and I totally agree and pray the same for you.
Kathy Griffith
What a beautiful prayer, Sara. You, like Lacey, have the gift, and you use it to comfort.
laceykeigley
She really does.
Lynn
Amen…