telling it again and again
Over the past few weeks I’ve seen this idea pop up many times.
The idea that it is in the retelling of a painful story that some of the pain can be eased.
The idea that with more and more tellings of one’s darkest stories that the distance between the experience deepens and the hurt lessens.
On our last visit, Sherry reminded me that when you can tell your story without crying, you’ve made progress.
It’s so important to have friends and people with whom to tell your story.
It’s why sometimes you find yourself telling your story to complete strangers – like a practice round or something.
It’s why I write so much about hard stuff and sad stuff and dark days.
Yes – it’s a processing tool.
Yes – it’s a balm to me and I hope to others.
And yes – it’s an exercise in naming the pain and giving credit and then attempting to live with that pain less dominant in my thoughts and actions.
The author of the original article I read said this
It turns out, one of the greatest gifts we can offer others is receiving their pain with grace.
Yes.
That’s it.
I’m so grateful for the grace receivers in my life. The listeners to my story – on repeat – who hear my words and remain my friend. Who carry my weight just by sitting beside me and answering the phone when I call.
And when I receive the same opportunity – the same listening chance – I guarantee that what I feel is empathy, gratefulness that they are venting to me (that they trust me with their brokenness) and a heart that aches with them. I never tire of carrying their weight or sharing their load.
10 Comments
Lana
I have given this a lot of thought since you posted it and for me it is the opposite. I have to move on and leave pain in the past because ultimately it will just make me ill. An important part of that for me is forgiveness if I have been wronged which I can only do by leaving it at the cross. I believe that each of us must examine our hearts and pray about the best answer for each situation. There are things in my past that if even brought to mind stresses me so much that I can just shut down but I cannot change those things so I need to just leave them alone. I am not in any way telling anyone else what is best for you but I have seen that sometimes others can keep pain going when the victim would prefer to leave it in the past. My late grandmother did this when my aunt lost her fiance to a motorcycle accident 35 years ago. My aunt could have healed and moved on if my grandmother had not talked about the accident and loss practically every minute of the day but is seemed that no one could stop her. Anyhow…..just my thoughts. Hugs to you because I know you are still hurting and must deal with your pain everyday. Praying for your healing.
laceykeigley
I see what you are saying and I do agree.
I think it’s probably a balance and a personal coping tool. I’d say it is so very wise to really think and see which way is best for you. And – to be open with people if you need the stories/conversations to stop for you to move on. And to hope they can respect that as well.
Just more reasons grief is so hard – because it all plays out so differently.
Thank you for pondering and considering and for sharing your thoughts.
d powell
I must admit …when Tiff told me about your pain I cried like a small child profusely.
laceykeigley
This will sound weird perhaps …. but I appreciate your tears.
Sara
Oh Karen! We are sisters-in body and spirit-for absolutely certain.
While I have always longed to “receive pain with grace,” I never ever longed to tell the story of my own pain.
But what I have learned (am learning) is that it is difficult for me to truly receive others’ pain with or without grace until I have experienced personal pain and shared that pain with forthrightness.
I also am grateful for those who are my grace receivers. And for those who trust me to be their grace receiver.
nikkie
a balm, yes.
i agree.
pain with grace. i like that.
Sally
I love to listen.
karen
and everything in me wants to NOT tell the story. to just NOT think. or NOT feel. and NOT with the tears.
but, I suppose that’s all part of the process.
it is good, though. even though it’s hard.
thanks for not carrying the weight.
laceykeigley
yeah.
I get the NOT thinking and NOT feeling part. It’s a pull, for sure. The numbing.
Sandy Scaringi
Thanks Lacey. That is a gift…both to share and to listen. The hearers and the sharers benefit greatly. It is also a reminder of how God listens and cares deeply about our pain. We matter to Him! Not an ounce of our pain goes unnoticed or uncared about. It is an honor to read what you write and it encourages and challenges me everytime!