Chaos,  God's Pursuit of Me

rolling the dice

It’s practically feeling like autumn here.

And that’s a gift that’s right on time.

This weekend our family has experienced the gift of generosity and thoughtfulness and care and provision in new and humbling ways.

My heart is overwhelmed and trying to keep up.

(It tends to drag a few beats behind me lately.)

There are a lot of days when I feel as if I am watching my life play out like a movie on someone else’s television screen.

(And I desperately want to change the channel.)

For all the good and bold and obvious ways that God shouts and showers His love for my family, my heart still has this puncture wound that keeps leaking vital blood.

It’s a walking the line kind of balance between truth and fear, hope and reality.

For the largest part of each day it seems as if I am just pushing ahead, wading through, doing the next thing, in hopes of getting to the point of each day where I sit still, quiet and unneeded, unobserved and stagnant, to let the waves of the day swirl and eddy around my paused self.

I have grateful in my heart.  And I have fear and I have hope.  I have dread and I have fight.  I have resignation and I have determination.

And it’s a roll of the dice as to which one is going to be victor at the moment.

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