it’s inescapable really.

Sigh.

Yes.  

I am beginning a post with a sigh.

A written sigh.

A written sigh that implies a verbal sigh.

The deep-chest-breath-in-hold-the-air-as-long-as-you-possibly-can-until-you-breathe-the-sigh-out-between-pursed-lips kind of sigh.

And you know what?

I’m not entirely sure why.

It’s just the kind of day I had.  Or chose to have.  Or narrowly escaped from having.

Here’s the thing.

Yesterday, I lost.

I lost the battle most of the day.

I let everything around me dictate my attitude.

I let the heat in our home make me irritable.  (And I mean irritable.)

I let the list of trying-to-understand-and-adequately-prepare-for-the-onslaught-of-paperwork-that-is-homeschooling-a-daughter-through-her-senior-year weigh me down and push me into the dirt.

I let the children tugging on my shoulders while I sat hunched over the computer trying to fill in the tiny rectangles on a transcript spreadsheet frustrate me instead of pausing to look into their wee-kid eyes and answer them directly and kindly.

I lost the battle of kind.

I was defeated by 4:23 in the afternoon and I already knew it.

Oh, parenting.

Oh, life itself.

We can call every struggle and each trial whatever we want to call them.

But aren’t they all, every little and big one of them, just an opportunity?

A choice?

Will I serve myself or will I serve someone else?

Will I lift up myself and my own desires or will I die to myself and my own desires?

Will I choose joy?

Will I choose peace?

Will I choose Christ-like behavior?

Or will I choose me?

Auch – conviction.

You search me out when I least want to be found.