behind the scenes
I’ve always been background.
Behind the scenes.
In college I earned a degree in theatre.
(According to my pocket-sized, laminated diploma. Seriously – does anyone else have one of those?)
But mostly I fulfilled my theatre requirements
through costumes, lighting, sound.
Off stage.
Behind the curtains.
Pre-production.
Post-production.
And that’s okay.
Mostly,
I chose that role.
Liked that aspect.
But sometimes being in the background
is so
hidden.
In the dark.
Background. (Exactly.)
Unnoticed if you do your job well.
A scape goat if you make a mistake.
I will admit
that
every now and then
I get a little hungry,
a bit greedy,
for the spotlight.
Center stage.
Last curtain call.
Headliner.
The Main Attraction.
It feels the same way with words.
I edit,
but I don’t have a book written.
Pre-production.
The small print.
Inner page.
No cover.
Sometimes I long for the bold print.
Size 28 font.
Recognition.
Acclaim.
‘Atta Boy.
A Big Deal.
Instead of a supporter.
There’s this one story that epitomizes this feeling.
Early on in ministry.
Not mine, of course.
My husband’s.
He played the piano beautifully at church one evening.
“How Great Thou Art”
or
“It is Well With my Soul”.
I don’t remember – an old classic.
Whatever it was,
the elderly population exploded
with praises and accolades.
Cash might have been tossed.
And this white-haired lady approached me,
patted my arm,
and said,
“It must be wonderful to live with him.
He’s so talented. A musician. A singer. A teacher. An artist.
Now honey,
what can you do?”
Indeed.
What can I do?
So I have been thinking about myself.
And that’s the problem.
This free business is really just an unpleasant way to bring all of my yuck-infested inner self to light.
I mean, all I am desiring
is
recognition
for recognition’s sake.
I can say whatever
and spin it however
but the bottom line is
I am struggling backstage
because I want
my name
to be famous.
And that couldn’t be more wrong.
It couldn’t be more enslaving.
I saw this quote by John Piper on my friend Zach’s facebook status the other day
and it has wedged itself right into my psyche.
Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong.
Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak.
I am reminded of how my heart leans to weak.
And how my heart is filled with pride
that I have been simply calling a more acceptable name.
Over and over.
Mostly I think I have been exploring the idea of free
by discovering what it is not.
Because that’s how I work sometimes.
Backwards.
Starting behind the scenes.
Studying the small print.
It cannot be about making
my name
famous.
I need to be reminded
that the headliner,
the Main Attraction,
the Big Deal
should
never
be
me.
14 Comments
Jesse Wickstrum
Oh…and Piper is precious. Look at that face. I miss you guys.
LaceyKeigley
Miss you too man!
Jesse Wickstrum
I have a pocket-sized diploma from Hargrave Military Academy.
LaceyKeigley
Maybe we should let our pocket-sized diplomas hang out sometime.
Margie
That is really intersting. Iappreciate your blog because you inspire me to be a better mom, (I would never attempt to express my self through words) and sharpen me when you ask your God questions. But I too have wrestled with this idea, or feeling this week and weeks previous. I hope some day you are published because you truely are an eliquent writer. Also, I too have run into little old ladies who make me question their intention when sharing with me. In fact, my husbands grandmother frequently reminds me how successful she was at raising four boys, working full time, keeping an imaculant house, all while keeping smile on her face….IM NOT THERE YET. Thanks for being real and willing to be transparent. There aren't to many REAL minsistry workers out there.
nikkie
oh man.
truth be known, today is my bday….husband is at the fire station, dishes are piling up, laundry is taking over the couch, kids have been fighting, school went on as usual, took one child to the doctor, and i had a few minutes on the pity pot.
as a matter of fact, i just climbed off and decided enough was enough (after i read this)
thanks lacey.
LaceyKeigley
First – happy happy birthday!
I love birthdays and I am always full of self-pity when a big enough deal is not made for me. (I am probably never satisfied.)
Take your kids out to dinner for yourself and make them do the laundry.
haha!
Allie P
Okay, the Piper quote, I’m not sure I get it. I desire a strong heart but boasting, self-pity, and pride all seem wrong to me. Is strength found in Knowing Christ, humbling myself, boasting in Him and serving others? Just hung up mulling over the quote. I’m so guilty of making it all about me!
LaceyKeigley
I don't think anyone gets the Piper quote.
Who knows what makes up that kid's mind?
That's a good point about the quote.
I think I was focusing more on the idea that self-pity can be a form of pride – and that was an eye-opener for me.
Yes – I believe boasting in Christ in exactly what we should be doing.
But not boasting in me.
Which can sometimes be a subtle difference and sometimes not so subtle.
Sherry
What do you do…well , you are a mom, a wife , a friend, an author, a comedian, a therapist, a doctor, an administrator, a teacher , a speaker, a leader, an inspiration and one of the greatest people that I am honored to call my family!!
LaceyKeigley
Isn't it the most convicting thought?
Because when we focus all of our energy on ourselves, well, then that's what we are focusing on.
Yikes.
Melissa
I don't know you but I've been reading your blog and I truly enjoy it.
That's so interesting that the elderly woman asked what you could do. She was showing genuine interest in you. I can only imagine the things that would be flying through my head at that moment if someone asked me that. Would I feel hurt, defensive, thankful, confident? All these at once?
LaceyKeigley
Thanks for reading!
That's funny – I never even entertained the thought that she genuinely asking about me. I just felt hurt, as if I did not measure up.
Probably just another fine example of how we make things about ourselves and our perceived flaws, even if they aren't, really.
Sally
if i could possibly speak … … … … i'm still not sure what i would say.
self-pity = voice of pride?
I would have never thought that. I don't think that I would have wanted to think that. I dare not think of that — because that, I think, is a direct statement on me. I, too, –(sigh) what did you say? — "lean" towards the weak. Except it seems lately I am not leaning. That would be an understatement.
thanks for the head-heart check 🙂