Farewell Old Friend
You know what I am through with?
Pretense.
Maybe it’s my age.
(I did just officially get older last week.)
But I don’t feel the need
(nor the desire)
to appear to be what I am not.
If you ask me how I am – I will tell you.
I won’t say “fine” when I am not.
No, I don’t plan on giving you more than you asked for or disparaging people in my path to being “real”.
But I don’t care to be pretend any longer.
And I don’t want you to be that way either.
You don’t have to share your deepest secrets with me when I ask you how your day was but there’s no need to sugar coat your perspective.
I can handle it.
Or I can’t.
Whichever.
I don’t post about every bad day I have or every lousy moment I experience or every parental mistake I make.
(Although I do share an awful lot of that stuff.)
Sometimes I try to focus on something beyond that though. I try to shift my perspective and remind myself of the good,
which mostly outweighs the bad.
But I don’t think that’s pretense.
Because if you see me in person,
if you ask me face to face,
I’ll share the other side too.
The grittier stories.
The I-can’t-believe-this-actually-happened tales.
Because they are both true, of course.
They are both happening.
I think pretense is when
you pretend
the rotten isn’t real.
You act like you
have it all together
when you do not.
You pretend that
you
are
not
broken.
I’m not down with that kind of pretending.
And maybe it has taken most of my life to realize that.
That’s the kind of pretense that I am shoving out the door.
And it’ll be okay if you don’t meet me half way.
If you aren’t up to the age of vulnerability yet.
Or ever.
But pretense is no longer my friend.
He’s not a companion I choose to seek.
It just seems to me
that pretense
leaves so little room
for
grace
and
miracles
and
God’s strength
being broadcasted
through my weakness.
And that’s what I want to be all about.
5 Comments
nikkie
agreed.
i'd rather pretense not be my friend, either.
shelley
Beautiful! We are all broken. That's how we realize we need a Healer.
Hombre sin Nombre
Pretending the bad isn't real is known as deluding yourself. LOL
Sarah
I am on this journey but have not arrived yet. I know that I cannot possibly keep it all together, be in control as much I'd like, or have a life that looks neat and tidy all the time. So why do I still try? I don't know, but it is a constant struggle. What I know and what I do are in conflict. And the most frustrating thing? When I try the hardest is when I fall the hardest. Ouch! You would think that I would get the hint, let go, and give God more room in my life. Room for the miracles and grace and God's strength you spoke of in your post. But I guess I am stubborn and this might take a while! I'm just grateful that He keeps showing me and teaching me, patiently and lovingly. Thanks, Lacey – once again your words are appropriately what I need to hear and think about today.
Terry
I stand convicted. I have been struggling with very similar issues this morning. Thanks for the reminder that I don't have to be okay all the time.