two heavies: divorce and remarriage
This will be an unpopular post.
These are unpopular ideas. Unpopular thoughts.
(Although I care so little about being popular these days. I cared deeply about being popular (or liked, or something) in middle school and high school – although you wouldn’t have known it if you were judging me by the way I dressed. My lemon yellow shorts in the summer. My hot pink plastic eyeglasses. The long johns I wore under my prairie skirts all winter. My horrific hair choices.)
You know what?
These issues are actually not just unpopular in our culture.
These thoughts are deeply unpopular in my own heart and mind.
I’ve been reading and thinking and reading again, but mostly I think I do not understand the Biblical truths around divorce and remarriage. (Or I don’t want to understand them perhaps. It’s hard to know.)
Go ahead. You can shut this page down for today. Click back over to Facebook. Look at cat memes. I don’t mind at all.
I’m kind of uncomfortable typing all this up and putting all this out there – to be misread (or read correctly). To be taken at a glance. To be stuck in internet haze until eternity. (Or a crash. Whichever.)
Divorce. Remarriage.
These two words are gigantic and absolutely pervasive and I am pretty sure most Christians just back on away from this topic because, let’s face it – it is TOO HARD.
I’ve thought about these ideas hypothetically for years. But the hypothesis has been removed and the stakes are personal now.
Everyone knows someone – or IS someone – who is divorced or is remarried to someone who is divorced.
This is too big to tackle, right?
I mean. It IS too big to handle. And too hard and too tricky and too ripe for misunderstanding and for feeling called out or judged or for getting it all wrong – or maybe worse – for getting it partially wrong and mostly twisted and therefore creating more wreckage.
So there’s this disclaimer before I keep typing then.
I DON’T KNOW.
(I don’t shout in all caps often here. But I want to shout this one. I don’t know. I JUST DON’T KNOW.)
Here’s what I see so far in Scripture:
God hates divorce.
Divorce is “allowable” in cases of adultery.
Divorce is “allowable” in abusive situations.
Even under these dire and wicked circumstances, I don’t see a God celebrating or reveling in divorce. I don’t see joy and pleasure derived from divorce. I cannot picture the God of scripture celebrating in the brokenness of any marriage covenant.
And I think an idea we underuse in our culture today is the idea of separation. I think there is strong Biblical grounds for separating. For giving space for healing and reconciliation after brokenness. I even think a couple could separate but not pursue divorce and do that in a way that could honor God. (These would be unusual circumstances, but I think it would be preferable to divorce.)
Additionally, I use the word “allowable” because I also see God’s word supporting reconciliation and redemption even in cases of infidelity. I’ve seen marriages made whole and couples restored despite terrible choices, through God’s power of healing. What I mean is, infidelity can occur and divorce need not be the only alternative.
Of course, and often, only one person in the marriage is anxious to reconcile and there are obviously circumstances out of one’s control.
So then, divorce.
Alright. So then, what happens next?
From reading the Bible with a straight forward reading, it seems there are a few times that the Bible deems remarriage post divorce as acceptable.
- If the divorce occurs in the life of person before he is a believer.
- Following a divorce caused by adultery, the spouse not guilty of adultery may remarry if the offending spouse is deceased.
Now, this makes me downright uncomfortable at this point.
But it’s what I think the Bible is saying. I don’t like it. It’s very heavy and feels rather constricting. The verses speak of anyone who marries a divorced person as causing that person to become an adulterer. That’s a pretty giant word to toss around.
I certainly have friends I highly respect that feel differently, that interpret this word differently.
I’ve long been a fan of straight forward translations and straight forward reading and interpretation of the scriptures.
I don’t even know what to do here.
Can a remarriage be holy?
Oh goodness. Do you FEEL the discomfort in that question? Can you taste it?
I love many people who are remarried. I am related to many remarried people whom I love dearly.
(Please note: If you are not professing to be a follower of Jesus, this story is different for you. If you become a Christian after your divorce and your remarriage, then I think the words of God would suggest you stay as you are when you first believed in Jesus.)
However. If you are a Christian and you get a divorce …. what then?
What do you do in circumstances like mine?
Or what do you do in circumstances where you are the unfaithful one and you seek forgiveness from your spouse but they choose to end the marriage due to your unfaithfulness?
I DON’T KNOW. (Sorry, I’m yelling again.)
Is singleness what you get?
I do actually want to know what you think. Particularly if you love Jesus, I want to know what you believe and how you read these passages that seem to outline in relatively basic terms the general guidelines here.
(Obviously, and please know, that I deeply value the thoughts and ideas of my non-believing friends as well. But for me, this is an entirely moral decision based wholly on what Jesus says about divorce and remarriage.)
I would sincerely love to hear from my friends who have chosen remarriage.
I wish I could see your faces and look at you with sincere eyes and you could see my heart here — it is my deep desire to not cause conflict, to not alienate, to not offend, to not bruise tender feelings — but to seek truth. To be about peace and to pursue it.
I really truly desire this to be a gentle conversation and I really want to examine how we land on the interpretations of scripture that we literally base our lives upon.
Are you willing to begin this conversation? I’m so ready to listen and learn.
_______________________________
17 Comments
Monica Mullins Manning
I think God knows us-He made us after all-and He knows we will have flaws and live imperfectly even though I feel we should strive for perfection. God knew we would never achieve perfection that is why He sent us Jesus. Do I think God is ok with divorce? No. I don’t think He is happy about it. But, as a person who is divorced and remarried, I can tell you that He doesn’t turn you away if you become divorced and I don’t feel that I am living in sin because I am remarried. When my ex-husband and I divorced, I had decided I would never marry again. Guilt was probably guiding my thought process there. Yes, I was lonely but had no intention of remarriage until I met Chad. I fell in love. He was not a Christian. He had custody of a son (although he had never been married before) and here I was, out of church with my 3 boys. My brother began a church and I started attending to support his ministry and rededicated my life which left me in a dilemma with my lifestyle at the time. I was living with a man I wasn’t married to and I loved him. I told him one day that I felt we had to marry because I wanted to be a part of this new ministry. I was shocked that he agreed. (You have to understand that he was almost 40 years old and had never been married and really had no intention to do so.) I felt that God, yes, God was directing my life again. We were married soon after on Groundhog Day, lol. In August, he and his son accepted Christ and were baptized. So, was that displeasing to God? No, I don’t think so. I hate that my first marriage ended in divorce because I feel as though I should have done more to prevent it. I wandered out of the will of the Lord and looking back feel that I could have fasted and prayed longer for our marriage to be healed, but, that did not happen and I can not go back and undo what has been done. My ex-husband remarried a year after we divorced and he and his wife have a beautiful daughter. Is she a mistake, or not pleasing to God-absolutely NOT! She is beautiful and precious and refers to my mother as Mamaw. Lol. No, my ex-husband and I don’t really get along great but, we try our best to for the 3 sons we share. Do I think you are doomed to a life of misery or even eternity in Hell for divorcing and re-marrying?No, I do not. We all sin and fail God every single day-even Christian people who have been married for 50 years and die still married to the same person. “He that knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” We’re all guilty of that one. Divorce is forgivable and survivable. God can bless a second marriage. We aren’t under the old law anymore, that’s why Jesus came. I think divorce should be avoided if at all possible but, if all options have been exhausted, God knows, understands and forgives. Just my opinion, of course. Keeping you in my prayers.
laceykeigley
I remember you so well — all those years and years ago and hanging out together in that cute little house of yours.
Thank you for sharing your story and your highs and lows and your honest truth and your responsibility in your marriage and in your life choices. I think that really matters.
I really appreciate your words Monica. Much love to you.
Sara
I thought I was going to write yesterday. But life….
You are brave, dear friend, to bring this up and I was blessed by the lack of rancor detected in the responses.
We all seem to be muddling through this life journey together; trying to get it right even when so many circumstances are not at all what we would choose; having hearts that want to please our Father; and praying for the wisdom and guidance of His Holy Spirit.
You know that I also desire the simplest, most literal interpretation of Scripture and as such, believe I would choose singleness after divorce. But. I have never faced this situation myself. And you know also that so many of my black and white ideals have become rather less black and white in the light of real life.
I never want to be guilty of watering down absolute Truth. Nor do I believe I have all insight on absolute truth.
God be with you, friend, and in you.
Much love.
Darrell powell
Plain and simple ..The Bible teaches the only avenue for divorce if both parties are living (if one is dead it isn’t considered divorce) is adultery. Let me take example #1 . Husband has an affair (adultery) and leaves , or not leaves wife. What Biblically speaking is the wife allowed to do. First off she is required to forgive hubby “if” he ask for it. I am not saying wife is required to stay in marriage. Biblically when the hubby had an affair the wife is free and clear to divorce. The Husband broke the covenant. She is required to forgive him in her heart if he ask for forgiveness but that does not require her to stay married to him (two different matters) . She is free to remain in the marriage or not. Is she free to remarry if ex husband is still living? Absolutely!
Amy Bright
I don’t know either. The closest interpretation I’ve seen that favors remarriage is that the prohibition dealt with people who were divorcing/remarrying as a means of either just hooking up or as serial monogamists. I tend to shy away from remarriage because the simple reading seems to forbid it.
My sister and I feel the same about remarriage–not wanting to invest emotionally in something that could distract from the very clear job of raising our kids.
laceykeigley
Yes – and I think the idea of that distraction is very real and important in my mind.
I don’t want to be miss raising and educating these kids right now.
Darrell powell
Lacey remember this..Our lives are but a blinking of the eye. a vapor which appears in the morning but is gone. …something Peter one or two…
When we go into eternity we will not be married and there will be no children born and we all will be beings…just that ..beings , neither male nor female.
Now back to earth. Woman was created for man as a help mate. She was bone of his bones. She was a HU MAN. This is going to be a bit long so go get yourself some tea or something.
Remember this was God’s design. Everything was super in that there Garden. There was perfection everywhere. Flowers, trees, a night full of stars that displayed the Glory of the Creator. Everything wonderful and beautiful. What happened? God decided to make it Perfect! soooo he decided to place His devil (whom He created) right smack in the middle of this magnanimous Garden. Now if I’m wrong please correct me Lacey. Not only did he allow Satan into a beautiful place he also gave him power to deceive. He chose the weaker of the sex (what ever that means) to test their knowledge.
This beautiful beast presented himself (not as a snake or horned red thing) in front of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil which they had been warned not to eat thereof
attacking the Word of God to a woman whose weight was 112.4 or she was perfect. He attacked her sense of logic and reason by, may I say, muddling the Word of God. “Hath God said” , “You shall not eat of every tree of the Garden.” Ah…. Lacey.. but Eve was no fool she knew her diction. She said , He said….remember? Gen. 3: 2-3 .
You can eat from any tree of the Garden except these bananas , right? Do it and die. First the attack of ‘Hath He said’ ? then the lie…..You will not surely not die. (how do you make a capitol period?)
At this point I must interrupt our story with a lesson in Latin.
Before the Fall Adam (and Eve) had both the:
posse {ability} peccare (to sin}
and
posse {ability} non- paccre {not to sin}
They were truly free as modern man thinks himself to be.
Shall we move on…..If you want more please respond. If not thats ok to.
Rebekah Bishop
Oh my heart breaks from all the pain and uncertainty I hear in this post! But let’s examine scripture where we see exactly what you’re going through (well, not EXACTLY the same…)
Through much of Scripture, YHVH compares His relationship with Israel as a marriage. And over and over Israel commits adultery. Now I think we can clearly say that God Himself was a faithful spouse! He never retaliated and cheated too, He remained faithful. Yet Israel continued to commit adultery. I should also point out that the words “The House of Israel” and “The House of Judah” are compared as BOTH of YHVH’s wives and they BOTH were adulterous. We also see YHVH Himself divorcing “The House of Israel” (even though her sister Judah committed the same atrocities and worse, He did not divorce her because of the promise He made to King David). But we see the God of the Universe (The One Without Sin) is divorced!
Next we see that those who were divorced (The northern kingdom of Israel) COULD NOT COME BACK to God! Because, you see, their husband (The Eternal One) was still alive!
And so Yeshua (Jesus’ Hebrew Name) came in the form of a Man and DIED!! This freed them from the burden of their actions.
But He didn’t leave them there!! Praise YHVH He didn’t leave them there!! He was raised from the dead to present Himself once again as an eligible Husband for them!
So I think, if we see that the Creator of the Universe Himself had to stick to His instructions concerning marriage and divorce, I don’t see how we could be able to circumvent it and still be Holy as He is Holy.
I KNOW that’s not a popular idea!!! And I know it’s hard to hear!!! But I personally believe it’s the Truth. Obviously, this analogy falls apart on so many levels because we mere humans cannot ever be even close to as Perfect as He is. Yet, I think there is still value in the comparison.
Also, please note that this is the instruction on REMARRYING the one YOU WERE previously MARRIED TO! And I think THAT is a big distinction! We actually don’t have much evidence or many stories concerning marrying another after one is divorced. So I’m not completely certain I’ve helped at all. But seek YHVH and He will lead you into ALL TRUTH!
I am praying for you, dear sweet Lacey! Divorce really sucks! I’m so sorry that this is the road you have to walk on!
(ps, I’m not yelling, just don’t know how to use italics for emphasis in a comment).
nikkie
My flesh cries out.
Lacey. I want to yell. Because divorce really makes me ANGRY.
As the one who was left, abruptly and with no looking back on his part, I want to say: “but what about me?!” (to be clear, this is not a victim mentality-because i’m not a victim- just being honest-sometimes I feel forgotten)
Singleness isn’t so bad. But I really did enjoy being a wife. So, I suppose God and I will wrestle this one out, IF the time ever comes, and He’ll gently lead me as He has faithfully done through every circumstance up to this point.
You are loved.
Thanks for talking about hard stuff.
Keep on.
laceykeigley
It’s not a victim-mentality, friend. It is just truth.
Singleness isn’t so bad. You’re right. And I loved being a wife and a partner too.
I am so familiar with your pain.
And with the wrestling.
I imagine we’ll both just keep wrestling and falling and standing up again.
Liz
My decision isn’t Bibically-based, but the root of it is due to my faith.
I choose to not date, and as a natural consequence, that means I won’t marry.
I feel like my children are a gift and, sadly, children are not as resilient as we think them to be. I want to embrace and enjoy my time with them without the distraction of another relationship with a hypothetical someone who has also had a challenging past and/or also has children.
My spouse left when I was pregnant with my youngest child, and he will soon be 12, so I’ve had a bit of wisdom and maturity gained over the past few years.
My life is crazy. There are days I can barely take care of myself, let alone my kids. A spouse, while a blessing, is realistically going to add to the crazy.
My children have been able to continue their routines and traditions without having to merge them too significantly. Granted, on their father’s side it has been traumatic. Every two years they do something different with another family and then they do their normal, regular routine with me. There is comfort in that.
And as for me, I’m not lonely. I made a commitment to raise my kids in the eyes of God and believe my older two respect me more for protecting them (as they are now young ladies and college-bound) and showing them that they don’t need to fall into the trap of relationship after relationship.
I did also meet someone after my divorce, and was in a relationship with him. My kids were protected from this, but my heart was broken again after that ended. I knew I didn’t want to suffer that same pain (or be one of those people who introduce their kids to a significant other wayyyyy too soon) and so I made the decision to not date until all three are out of the house.
It’s kind of nice. We do what we want and when we want, and my kids (while they are getting older) have me available for them. The only time they’d meet someone is if we are down the road to marriage — and not some casual dating relationship.
laceykeigley
Currently I will say I feel exactly as you write here.
I personally have zero plans to remarry for the exact same reasons you outline here — my children have endured enough and we are in a good place as a family unit together. They are able to retain their friendships and their school choices and their basic daily routine and I think that has been immensely helpful in their healing process for certain.
I also don’t feel lonely in that sense either. And I also agree that I never want meet someone and put my children through the rise and fall of that relationship before I was certain of it either.
From where I stand now, I cannot fathom adding in more struggle on purpose for my own personal gain.
I agree my children are my best gift and being their mother is my favorite “occupation”.
I have spoken with several divorced mom friends who feel similar in this way and watching them live their lives out of this conviction -whether a spiritual or simply personal one – has been encouraging to me as I look down the future at my own life choices.
From where I see things currently, I have no plans to date either.
Thanks again for typing out such a thoughtful and personal response. I really appreciate it.
Amy
My husband was previously married and divorced and has 2 older children from that marriage. I grappled A LOT with this topic before choosing to marry. I read several books on the topic. Percy Shelly wrote “Divorce and Remarriage, A Redemptive Theology.” I didn’t agree with every word, but it was definitely worth reading.
laceykeigley
Thank you for the recommendation. And for the grappling and for the being honest and sharing your story.
Crystal
Good job, girl. It is a VERY hard one but I like that you’re opening it up for conversation. I think when we shy away from so many hard conversations, like many in our country now, we miss so much from learning what He has spoken to each part of the body. I, too, struggle deeply with this and find myself thinking similarly with you. But in my thinking, I would add if one of the divorced party has chosen remarriage, in my understanding that would release the other from the original covenant and allow for remarriage. But as you say, I don’t know and ultimately, each really has to hear from Him.
Lacey Keigley
Thank you Crystal.
Where does that idea generate from ? I mean, I think it sounds logical to me for certain, but I’m curious as to how it aligns with scripture.
Thank you so much for even starting the conversation here ! 🙂
I know your family has had struggles and I know your family’s remarriage situation is incredibly unique, but I’ve always been so honored to watch your family endure and hold together and seek God through the joining of your two families. I’ve always loved the whole lot of you. 🙂
Crystal
Thanks for calling me out on that! 🙂 Truly. It made me look in the scripture for it and you’re right, I can’t find a specific place that will align with that and truly Matt 5:32 and 1 Cor 7:39 are pretty explicit. I guess it just made sense to me logically, as you say, that if that person has now bound themselves to another, then it would no longer be an option for going back, thus breaking the original covenant that was made, more than a piece of paper from the government has already done, thus releasing the unmarried person. But again, maybe that was just made up in my mind and not really biblical.
Yes, as you say, our situation is different, but as you know, always been a struggle as well. Even with death, joining of families is a hard thing. I think your comments as well as others have been true that really, as hard as it is to be single, it does hold a simpler side to it. (not saying than being married originally but maybe than remarriage)
1 Cor 7 has always been interesting to me in Paul’s talk about being better to not be married, in his opinion. And I was thinking about this this week, not thinking of getting out, but how I can see there is truth in there. I was recently reading about people working covertly for the Gospel and thinking how that really would be amazing but alas, it’s not an option for me, at least at this point in life. I know, He has a unique plan for me and I’m good with that, but it is true that there are things that can be done that will less likely be done by those with a family. I think sometimes we move ourselves into positions that we think will fulfill us when He has a totally different plan that will be INFINITELY more fulfilling.
So I guess my final thought to both you and me is WAIT until you Know He is leading you for anything in life. Psalm 27:13-14 – “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” And Isaiah 30:18 “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!”
You are loved. 🙂